I feel great.

High on Hydrocodone and enjoying the world right now. I feel so happy and carefree, I definitely needed this after the last two months of shit.

I told everyone at my doberman forum about my puppy and they are all excited for me. And I’ve been talking to Jake’s mom Maria for about half an hour about how excited I am about a puppy. I seriously can’t even put it all in words how excited I am, but I want to try so people understand my gay doberman talk all the time.

I feel like every single person in the world has a deep passion. Whether it be painting, drawing, working out, being outside, watching TV, sleeping, etc. Well that passion for me is animals. There is nothing I like more in the world than caring for an animal that depends on me, and getting that love and affection back every single day. (just this morning I had to push Meeko away about 10 times from my face when he wanted to cuddle and i just wanted to sleep lol…)When I was in college, I began researching dog breeds because I knew I wanted a dog after I was done and in the real world with Jake. I found the Doberman Pinscher adn fell completely in love with the breed. The way they looked - powerful, athletic, fearless, loyal and brave. This along with the fact that they are one of the most intelligent dogs in the world, and also the fact that they are extremely misunderstood are only a few reasons why I knew the doberman was for me. 

I want to show people that dobermans may look vicious, but they’re also goofy, fun, and love to learn and just be with you. I wanted a dog that I knew would be able to keep it’s calm off the leash and absolutely, 100% of the time come when called. I wanted a dog that was easily trained and also big enough so it would keep me safe wherever I went. 

I can see every memory we’ll have with them. Coming back from a long day of work and hearing him bark at the door in excitement to see us. Taking him with us to Cedar Falls to hang out with Jake’s parents. Romeo taking a snap at me and my doberman instantly on top of his body growling and defending me (LOL). Going to Pine Lake with him and swimming in the lake, or just walking along the trails. Sleeping with the cats on the couch. Getting another doberman and having both of them run with me after work or in the early morning. Being pregnant with me and Jake’s first child and walking with two dobermans at my side. Sleeping with our child on the floor. 

Whenever I think about it, before it seemed so distant, unreal. Now that our deposit is sent and our place in line for picking a puppy is intact, that dream has become much more real. My dobie will look much like the piture below - he is my puppy’s uncle.

Can’t wait to bring Zuko home!

FUCK SHIT COCK

I was expecting a $2300 paycheck today and $1300 was gonna go owards my puppy…and I see it’s only $1800. What the FUCK.

Apparently I did have a $2500 paycheck but after $700 of taxes, I’m now left with $800 fpr my puppy, instead of the $1300 I was banking on. God. I was so so upset. Jake told me we’d get that money back in tax refund season next year sothat made me ferl a little better, but I definitely wasn’t expecting $700 taken. So so upset. Lickily, the amazing husband that he is, Jake told me he would put his $1000 he was going to use to get new wheels and tires for the Subaru and will put it towards the puppy!!! Was not expecting that…I’m so blessed to have a husband who puts others needs in feont of his own. He told me ‘i’d rather have a bouncing new puppy around than a set of wheels and tires’ and I’m almost in shock that he’s sacrificing a part of his passion for mine.

I’m so thankful to have him in my life. I’ll make it up to him…maybe our tax money next March will all go towards his wheels and tires and windshield :)

Looking for jobs again….

And I just feel SO hopeless.

I was thinking I could find something in Cedar Falls/Waterloo maybe related to biology/science. Nope. Not a fucking thing.

Des Moines is looking dismal too. There’s a little bit more there but hardly. I don’t know what to do. We’ve already decided we’re putting our deposit down for a puppy and getting him in October but now I’m not sure what to do. We need to move somewhere where there’s a LOT of opportunities, but we really can’t afford a multi-state move.

UGH. Now what?

So today is my friday.

I decided to take tomorrow and Friday off because I have two days of paid time off left and I honestly don’t think I’ll be here for much longer than the summer. I was hoping Jake wouldn’t be mad at me or whatever for being a slacker and i think he kinda does think that but whatever. I worked my ass off for over two weeks so I’m gonna take time off!

Came home yesterday and had a good workout. Then went to Petsnartfor supplies for the fish and then came home and while Jake made dinner, I cleaned my fishtank. I had to empty almost the entire thing and had to put the fish in another bowl. It was tough getting the pleco (Lady Gaga) back in the tank though, she jumped out of the bowl and flopped on the ground and i had to touch her eww :( she was all sandpapery and gross and stiff lol. But now the tank finalllllly looks better and I can see the fish again! Yeah! And got my eye exam scheduled on Saturday so I’ll get that taken care of.

I’m so so tired today. Probably from working out yesterday hard. First one in a long time, but it felt good. I may take today off though since i know i’ll have all day tomorrow, friday, saturday and sunday to work out. So will try to call the Csmbria breeder after I get home, but ugh I really don’t wanna br at work right now. Only 5 more hours and literally half an hour’s work left to do. Ugh.

Had a great dream last night. I was levitating an object in the air and twirlin it with my arm motions. Then I noticed a pool of water next to me so I moved the water to make waves, then raised my hands up high and the water followd them, creating a wave that touched the ceiling! It was so real that it almost looked scary. Then I made some watet comr out and float around in the air around me and it just looked so reallll. Ha.

I want to lay down. Sleep.

Back to somewhat normalcy.

Work is back to normal. But i still haven’t had a day off in 15 days so I’ll be so excited and so very relieved when this weekend comes. I don’t care what happens, I’m not going to work! I’m going to sleep in nice and late both Saturday and Sunday and just rest rest rest up and get back to my free time ans hobbies.

I really need to…
1. Work out. After these past 2 weeks of hell I have really missed exercise and healthiness. A lottt. Gonna go to my gym and start easy…maybe 2 miles.

2. Clean my fishtank. It’s hella filthy but no pet stores were open yesterday so Ididn’t get a chance to get new filter pads. Will go get some after I workout.

3. Paint my nails. And also clip them. They’re getting too long that they are starting to break unevenly. Boo.

4. Apply for jobs. I’m still just not sure what to do. Jake has a good job now but I definitely need to get out of my current one. Will have to do more searching. But I don’t want to move to Colorado and then get a puppy from Ohio - that’s a 19 hour trip one way!

5. Write in my book! Have missed it!

6. Research dog training and call the ohio breeder. :3 ahha. Since I made $1300 extra these past two weeks, my puppy is only $1000 awayyy (with the rest of the puppy cost and supplies)

7. Draw on my tablett! Wanna make all the drawings I did really come to life.

This past weekend was fun but hardly seemed like a weekend to me since I had to work early both Sun and Mon for a couple hours. Bah. But we went to pine lake to grill out (soo many people there), rented the woman in black and it was awesome and scary, and yeah! A lot of good me and jake time too. He’s been really good at the ‘words of affirmation’ and ‘physical touch’ and ‘quality time’ love languages, my top 3! :)

I think it was the caffeine.

I drank a whole waterbottle full of water and feel a loottt better now. No more nerves, feel much more relaxed.
That was seriously a horrible half hour, so fucking anxious! Seriously like swim meet nerves. Sucked. Last time I had nerves like that was my last swim meet last March. Lol.

Wtf.

My stomach feels so uneasy. Nervous. Anxious. I have no idea why. Nothing much is even happening at work. Why am I so ahaky? Nervous? Ugh. Like being nervous for a 500 in a swim meet. Wondering that now that I’m working Sunday and Monday that my body feels anxious to get this shit over with and just be at home in a few hours? I’ve had some caffeine and I’m still excited about the doberman puppy. Maybe music will calm my nerves.

Ugh.

I’m trying to read my book at work, and it’s just hard. I can’t see the writing well. Like as I keep concentrating, my eyesight starts to cut the words out like i’ve been staring at the sun for too long.

Stargardts sucks. Josie and especially Gabe feel my pain. Over the past year it’s definitely getting worse. Harder to srive. Read stuff like menus, books, digital screens at work, street signs, receipts, most written stuff. Mannn.

Jake has been very supportive though. Whenever i ask him to read something for me because I can’t, he reads it right away without asking questions, without treating me like a blind dumbfuck. Lol.

Sooo…

It’s my last LONG shift at work. BUT, I opted to work 4 hours on both Sunday and Monday. This sucks for my weekend plans, BUT those 8 hours I’ll be working those 2 days will bring in an extra $330 for my check. That means that this week of work will make me $1500 richer! This week and a half of work has been HELL, granted, but now that jake and i are okay and things in our lives are looking better, i’m thinking of my puppy now. There’s another breeder that’s been in contact with me and is just giving me very good vibes. She’s breeding two females to the son of the top champion producing dog in the country, siring 126 champion dogs in his lifetime. He’s really a beautiful, beautiful dog. And the dogs on the breeder’s website are all just STUNNING, the exact look I am looking for in my own doberman. Anyways, her puppies are $1850, compared to the other breeder’s $1300. It’s a $500 difference, but if that means getting a better looking, healthier dog that has proven bloodlines of a sound body and temperament, then why not? So i’m working these two days extra to put us a month ahead of saving. This week of hell at work will bring me $1500. Only
$350 away from my new puppy and $800 total away from what I need for supplies and puppy training classes. If I save $150 each paycheck I make, i will be putting $300 a month towards my puppy and will give me all the money I need in about 3 months.

I’m just getting good feelings about this breeder. (the name is Cambria Dobermans). They’re well respected in the doberman world and many champion dobermans have Cambria lines in them. The breeder has been very responsive to my emails and answers my questions with great length and professionalism. She explains exactly who is getting bred and has told me that the ears of the puppies are cropped by one of the best ear croppers in the nation. Very excited, so we’ll see.

But yes, it will be a bummer to have to work extra and pretty much work 3 weeks in a row nonstop, but i feel better mentally and am happy to save more money. What would take us 4 months to save up will now take us 3 by me working the next two days. So yeah!

Aaaannd…Jake’s making me breakfast and a better than sex cake woooo!! He was super duper lovey at lunch today :)